2005-02-17 - 9:28 p.m.
What motivates a person to lie? We have all done it at one time or another. I know I have told some whoppers in my time. I used to lie to my parents all the time about things that had to do with school and grades. I even lied to profs about missing classes, freshman year I made up an imaginary sister that had cancer (yes I realize I'm going to straight to hell, and no I'm NOT proud of that one at all).
I was lied to recently, we not just recently, this person had been lying to me for the past year or so. I want to trust again, I really do, I also want to forgive. It is so hard when you love someone so much and they haven't been truthful. I feel like the lies were because this person did not trust me to handle the situation. This wasn't the first lie either. He lied to me over break also and I was just getting over that then WHAM! Smack in the face, he's been using pot for the past year and lying straight to my face about it.
Why am I still with him? Why do I subject myself to this pain. He also told me that he had been planning on breaking up with me, for a LONG time he had wanted to break up with me. Of course after seeing a counselor last friday he relizes he does love me and when I find out every thing he still wants to make everything work.
I feel like atleast the past 6 months have been a sham. Everytime he said he loved me he didn't mean it. I was the "root" of all of his problems. He tells me that this is how he had been feeling....
Hell he even had a break up speech written out and stuck in his wallet. I don't care that he burned it, I don't care that he supposedly knows that he does want to be with me now. the fact is that right now I'm questioning why I'm with him.
I never lied to him, I was always honest. I don't know if I told him I forgave him because I'm afraid to be single, or if it really is because I love him. hell maybe I'm just premenstrual right now. It'll be good to get away to boston next week. Hopefully all will be better after skating is over. I can't wait till nationals, then the season will be over.
I still worry about what he might do while I'm in boston. If he does smoke, will he tell me or will he try to cover it up like everything else? It is really hard to love someone you feel like you can't trust.
